A Loss that Saved a Life
I am a unique African girl born and
bred on the South African soil. I have spent most of my childhood at Indermark
Village, a place I have shortly learned to love. Indermark is a place that is
very special and unique in its own way.
My parents moved from Indermark to
live at Ga-Dikgale, a village outside Polokwane. My father was born in Lesotho,
raised by very humble parents from the royal family. The difference between my
father and I was that he is a very respectful and humble person, while I’m the
exact opposite. This place - nearly turned me into a spoilsport, an annoying
and ungrateful little brat. As an only child, I got away with everything and
anything. I thought that the world revolved around me. My behavior towards
people before my father died, was selfish. When I was still at primary school I
had to walk with underprivileged people home. I always wanted to be the best,
wear the best, and own the best. I was jealous if I saw someone having
something that I did not have.
My father spent most of his time at
work, traveling around Africa; but, every time he had a moment to spare, he
would always come home to see me. I spent most of my time alone. I lived in a
township, a place where all doors had to be locked and all windows had to be
closed before seven in the afternoon. The field that my father was in prevented
him from working in the township.
I always thought that money
compensated for everything, but it turned out I was wrong. A week after my
arrival I made lots of friends. I thought that they just wanted to be my
friends, but it turned out different. They were only after my parent’s money.
My friends and I used to play
indigenous games like ‘diketo’ and ‘dibeke.’ However, we became bored playing
these games. Then one day a friend of mine from school told us that her sisters
played cards at home and made a lot of money out of it. Suddenly, I became
interested and suggested that my friends and I buy our own cards and play. We
bought the cards and started playing day after day until sunset. Everyday I
left home with something but came home with nothing. I asked, “How come?” I
realized that nothing good would come my way. While I was playing cards I got
confused and my mind would turn into a blank page. When my money ran out; I was
also alone and without friends. I felt hurt and betrayed as a human being.
Empty inside, rage and anger started building up inside me. I would always make
mistakes deliberately and make my friend take the blame, knowing that money
would make up for it. When my friends were in trouble I never saw any reason to
rescue them. I never took the saying “A friend in need is a friend indeed”
seriously. I did everything I pleased.
The best time I had with my father
is when I was nine years old. That day I came home feeling drowsy from the
Friday activities at school. I opened the door and switched on the television.
My father suddenly appeared at the doorway. “You better get packing, we are
going to Lesotho to visit your grandparents,” he said. We boarded the airplane
to Lesotho. On our third day in Lesotho we went to the stadium to watch a
match. He always had petty fights over players and at the end of he day he would
always let me win. Our trip to Lesotho was short but full of fun and laughter.
We went to the Morija museum to learn more about my family’s culture and
tradition. On our way home we would pass by the shops for some ice cream.
In 2006, I decided to come home to
my motherland, Indermark, where I belonged, where dreams are made and realized.
My mind was thinking a lot, working overtime. I asked myself questions like:
“Is it still the same or has something changed while I was away?” or “Are these
the same people I left?”
I went back to my old behavior and started
attending church like I used to. I am a believer you see. While I was at
Ga-Dikgale I almost forgot that all happens in the name of Jesus Christ. I
started preaching gospel to my fellow classmates and sang praises to my Lord at
Kgobokanang.
Then the moment of truth came. I entered the
high gates of Marumofase. The first bell rang and when the second one rang we
went to the assembly. Just imagine the fear, torture, happiness, excitement,
and loneliness. Everything you can ever imagine and more, mixed emotions of
your first day at a new and different school. My classmates were very friendly.
Within a short space of time I felt like part of the school.
Life started changing step by step. And suddenly
everything around you starts to change: from the way people look at you, to the
way people talk to you. Everything changes completely.
Many people were never given a chance to prove
others wrong but I have been given that second chance. A second chance at life…
Most people would consider my generation as
lost and hopeless. “But are we truly?” I don’t believe any word of it! What
they are trying to do is to paint us red with the same paintbrush - even though
we are not the same! They want us to feel bad and doubt ourselves. They want to
be superior to us because they were never given the opportunities we were. I am
trying hard to prove them wrong.
I consider myself one of the ‘Born Frees’
because I was born after 1994; the year South Africa became a democracy. “But
what does it mean to be a ‘Born Free’?” Well, according to me, being free does
not truly exist in its pure form. We are still miles away from being true ‘Born
Frees,’ but we will be one of them one of these good days.
We live in a world of pains and sorrows,
mistakes and regrets, and negative attitudes. This is a world where one should
stand up from the crowd and rise against all odds.
Our world is deteriorating step by step. When we
walk around the streets of Hilbrow we come across negative attitudes or social
ills like drug dealing/drug abuse, prostitution, human trafficking,
gangsterism, etc. The question is, “Who are we fooling?” The answer is simple
and straightforward, “Nobody but ourselves.” Opportunities are abandoned at
taverns doorsteps. Lives are lost, dreams fade away, hopes and aspirations are
shuttered away…
There will be a time in our lives when we will
be looking at our past and blame others. By then it will be rather to late,
when there is only ourselves to blame. Don’t wait for that moment, the moment
of disappointment.
I
describe myself as:
A fruit
Born into democracy
Corrupted by a tree
Called technology.
Born and bred on the
African soil
Either to save or destroy
Africa.
I’ll never let anyone or anything
get into my way of reaching for the stars. Ever since I came into this world
I’ve realized that life is about the struggle and the hard work needed to
survive. Some of us will never be able to overcome the struggles we come across
in life, because we are too smart for our own good.
I’ve realized that life is a path
and to overcome it we must sacrifice some things along the way. Life is a
journey, a long and tough one. Some journeys have been cut short, while some
are being wasted. Some people wish to see life heading in a different
direction, but are never given a chance to make a change.
The moment I’ve been waiting for,
for the rest of my life came, to become sixteen years old. Reaching sixteen was
what I always wanted, to own a green bar-coded identity document, to be a true
South African citizen. I got so excited, because I was soon going to be an
adult, go to University, buy a car, and be a responsible adult.
I
received many messages wishing me a happy birthday. We ate a cake as a family, and
only as a family; because, in my culture it is taboo to have a celebration
while another member of the family is lying helplessly in the hospital, hovering
between life and death. I wished my father a speedy recovery, but the fateful
happened. I never knew that one-day life would take a different turn.
I always considered myself lucky,
because my father was always right by my side. He bought me everything I wanted
anytime. Then fate played its role. I always heard people saying that they were
going to a funeral. I never knew when death would choose to strike my family, and
then I did as fast as lightening and unannounced. A month after my birthday my
father passed away. He was gone.
The last time when I saw my father was on the
8th of December 2012 and I was on my way to my Grandma’s place. In
March 2013 my father fell sick and passed away. I didn’t get a chance to pay my
last respect. I needed permission from the chief to visit at the graveyard,
since he was buried on ancestral land. I comforted myself by thinking that at
least my father had the ultimate gift, a precious gift called life. I knew for
a fact that father was in peace at last, but my heart was searching, bleeding,
from deep within. It was torn into pieces. It felt like someone ripped my heart
out and a heavy rock was put upon my shoulders to carry. My world was broken
into pieces; it was crumbling, and falling bit by bit into nothing. An aching
pain remained in my heart like a tough stain. I asked, “Why him of all people?” The best
father on the whole planet was gone, forever.
Memories flashed back to me one by
one. I thought with a broken heart: “No more arguments about TV channels, no
more fighting over soccer players, no more daddy-daughter shopping days, and
the one I would miss most – no more going to celebrate Jesus Christ together
anymore.” The saddest memory is when he was carried along by the undertakers,
being fully aware that I would never see him again. Only people from the royal
house and some of our housemates came to the funeral. It made me realize that we don’t know how important
someone is until they are taken away from lives.
Now I’ve accepted that my father is
gone. Without a father my life has changed. I had to downgrade on some of the
things. It hurts me the most to hear other people talk about their fathers. To
me it is a lesson learnt, that I must not judge people, but accept and respect
them as they are. Before my father died I always teased others for not having
their fathers. I found my fathers death hard to accept. My fathers passing had
a drastic effect on me. What I found hard to accept was that I was now one of
those fatherless friends of mine that I used to tease. I felt like I was locked
inside an animal cage and someone wanted me to suffocate till my last breath.
Sixteen
became a nightmare to me. That’s when I decided to write this poem:
Sixteen
An innocent age
So young
Yet confusing and frustrating
Still maturing
Trying to discover the world
A new chapter begins or
unfolds
To prepare you to see the
world
In a different way
Time to make decisions
The right ones
To some this age is exciting
But to some it is devastating
Especially to those with one
parent
Or not at all
Life seems uncertain and
unfair
It seems as if the whole
world
Is crashing upon them
Do you give up?
Or do you carry on
When you reach sixteen?
Sixteen, Is this really the
right age?
To prepare you to be a man
Or maybe a lady
I don’t know
What do you think?
I’ve seen all the mistakes I’ve made in my life
and I know that the time now is to change. Today, my life has been opened to a
new chapter. I feel like I am born again so that I could carry on with this
fateful and challenging journey, though with so many obstacles. I have a dream,
a dream for a different future. I am willing to work harder than ever before. I
want my family to be proud of me and I want to go places. I am going to work
harder and study harder to be a clever mind. I know that with God’s help I can
succeed.
While growing up I had so many dreams, some
have changed and some have been made. I wanted to become an author, a
climatologist, a social worker, a psychiatrist, a medical doctor, or a marriage
counselor. During the past ten years of my life I had to give up on some of my
dreams. My dream of becoming a marriage counselor and a social worker died when
I chose the science stream. When I entered grade eleven I realized that I loved
nature more than anything. I want to study geology and next year when I
complete matric, I aspire to become a geologist. I haven’t given up on my dream
of becoming an author yet; I’ll make it become true one day. For now my plans
after completing matric is to study psychology. Taking in consideration the
fact that many rural areas in South Africa don’t have access to these kinds of
services. A psychologist could offer
therapy to help with stress.
I know
now that the choices we make today determine whether we see tomorrow or not.
Just like Jordin Sparks once sang “One step at a time, there’s no need to
rush.” I’m taking it one step at a time. With these lyrics and with Mariah
Carey’s song “Hero,” I know I can get pass the death of my father and live a
happy life. It’s true that what goes around comes back around and what goes up
must come down!
This is what and who I am; Portia Masima Masipa
and nobody can ever change me. This is what I am!!!
Written
by Portia Masima Masipa
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